Day 31: 0n Desiring Earthly Glory

Wanna know a secret? Sometimes I wish there was a medal for motherhood. I was an excellent student growing up, because the grading system satisfied my overwhelming desire for approval and validation. Straight A's? Gold stars for perfect attendance? Trophies for academic excellence? I got them all.



I remember in high school, I would study for hours and hours at night, pass all my exams with flying colors, and then get monstrously sick on the weekends and every holiday. My health would suffer, my relationships would suffer, but I would always get those perfect grades because it made me feel awesome.

After high school and college, I worked for about a year, and then quit my job to be a stay at home wife. And suddenly, there was this void. I didn't miss the people, or the paycheck, or the career that I thought I wanted. I was having a blast being mistress of my own schedule, keeping our home and being available for Lover. What I did miss was the validation and ego stroking that I received from my grades and being a good employee.



Let me take a moment to say that this is no reflection on Lover. He is the best at complimenting my skills, noticing things at home that I've changed, thanking me for the work that I do. He's everything a husband should be, and beyond.

My struggle comes from wanting my accolades now. In this life. Thinking that trophies on a wall or a grade on a paper means I am worth something. And, guess what? There are no trophies, medals or grades in motherhood.


I can still get the approval of others though, and I find myself looking for it. I want a project of mine to go viral on Pinterest, because my latest project is just so awesome. I want the stranger in the store to comment on how composed and awesome I am at handling toddler mood swings, or how brave I am at doing everything with two kids (under two!).

But God is teaching me that I need to reorder my priorities. That I need to put in the hard work of being the best mother I can be to my kids, without looking around to see if someone noticed. I need to raise them to love God and teach them to live for His glory, not themselves.

And if being a mother is teaching me anything, it's to be less self centered. Less concerned with what people think of me, and more concerned with doing what the Father wants me to do. Even if there is no visible reward.

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This is the last day of the 31 Days Of Our New Normal. My goal was to post every day, and I managed to post 23 times, which I'm pretty proud of! That's 7,671 words on how we're adjusting to having two kids, on what our days have looked like, and on my adventures navigating the challenges that come with 2 under 2. It's been exhausting posting this much. But I'm so glad that I'll have this record to look back on in a few years. I hope you've all enjoyed it along with me!



 

Day 30: 0n Pouring Coffee

Monday morning we did a Google hangout with my parents, like we normally do once a week. Javi was less than interested, and ran off after the typical hellos to play on his own. He came back to the living room every couple of minutes to make silly faces with his uncle.  And then I noticed that a few more minutes had gone by and Javi was unusually quiet. I went to check on him, and this is what I found.



I had to admire the inventiveness that he put into play here. He had pulled out the coffee, and was using the coffee scoop to pour the grounds down the tube of the saran wrap and back into the canister. Well, sort of back in.




I'm not entirely sure what he was planning on making, but he had five strawberry oatmeal packets, the canister of coffee, two containers of chocolate syrup, a jug of maple syrup, a can of corn and two jars of peanut butter. It seemed like it had a lot of potential. Plus, all of those fresh coffee grounds  smelled amazing in my kitchen!


Since the mess was already made, I let him play to his heart's content. Once he was done exploring, we cleaned everything up together. Little man is getting really good with the dustpan and broom, if I do say so myself.

All in all, it was just another day of 2 under 2 around here. These two always keep me on my toes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Day 27: 0n Losses

It's so easy for me to dwell on my losses. Loss of sleep. Loss of food options for dinner.  I'm trying to narrow down a possible dairy sensitivity in Keilana, so I'm trying to cut out as much dairy as possible without becoming neurotic. She also has thrush, so I'm limiting my sugar intake as well to starve the yeast. I had already given up chocolate a few weeks ago when she woke up covered in baby acne from the top of her head to her armpits.

 I could grieve the loss of free time,  or, more importantly to me, alone time. I could bemoan the fact that a quick, simple trip to the store is no longer quick, nor simple.

But all that does is get me depressed about the supposedly negative things in my life. I'd rather be happy! :-)  So I'm doing my best to reshape my perspective on these things. Keilana is sleeping so much more than I expected, and I no longer feel like a zombie. All of the diet restrictions are forcing me to eat healthy, which is helping lose the baby weight, and maybe even a little more, if I'm really lucky :-).

I'm infinitely more grateful for the times that I do get alone, and I soak up every moment instead of wasting them. I'm so grateful to Lover for making sure I get that time to recharge, often times at the expense of our time together.

And when I really stop to consider the nuts and bolts of our day to day life, I'm reminded that we are so very, incredibly, blessed. My children are absolute treasures. Beautiful, happy, healthy children. My husband is the best a girl could ask for. He is my endless source of strength and encouragement. And so I find that I don't really miss these "losses" in the midst of the blessings. Okay maybe the chocolate. I miss that a little. :-)

 

 

Day 25: 0n Those Strange Feelings

This week was a good week. With the exception of a few whiny moments, (mine, not the kiddos!) I felt like my attitude was right this week and that made everything both easier to handle and more fun along the way. Plus, Keilana started sleeping in 7+ hour stretches at night, and let me tell you, that feels amazing.

This morning I woke up as Lover left for work, and both kiddos were still asleep. I had time to read, pray a little, make myself some tea and shower before Javi woke up. And then, I had time to change him, dress us both, put on my makeup and feed us breakfast before Keilana woke up.

We ran errands for tomorrow (we're having a little celebration for Keilana) and then I made lunch, gave Javi a bath, fed Keilana and put them both down for naps. As I was walking back downstairs, a strange feeling came over me. As I paused to examine the feeling, I realized that I was happy. Just plain happy. Not happy but tired. Not happy but in pain. It was a relief and it felt amazing.

Keilana will be two months old in 3 days. She is the sweetest baby. She already has huge smiles (although I'll be darned if I can catch one with my camera!) and does her very best to communicate through little coos and gurgles. Javi loves her to death, and he's growing by leaps and bounds. He charges into any situation without a shred of fear, and is constantly learning new things. He makes half a dozen friends on any given day that we run errands. His friendliness and happiness amaze me.

I like being a mom. I like that, even though there are really, really hard days when I want to run out the door screaming, it's something so worthwhile. I like that it's stretching me and growing me in ways that I never could have imagined. I'm glad that God blessed me with two sweet little kiddos, and that he trusts me to raise them right. And I'm glad that I'm getting more sleep. ;-)

Day 24: 0n Teatime

I have very special memories of growing up that involved my mom and I drinking lots of cups of tea from fancy tea cups. I don't remember doing it before I was a teenager, but I have countless memories of our "tea parties" once we moved to Spain. We would brew up a pot of tea, pull out our English china tea cups, set a pretty table and sit down to talk. We'd sip our tea and talk for hours. It was during those years that my mom was not just my "mom" but she also became my friend.

We had so much fun on our travels picking out a new beautiful tea cup; we bought genuine English Porcelain Cups in London, England, and Russian china on a trip to France. We bought beautiful napkins and tablecloths in the little shops of Zaragoza. We bought the neatest little nesting cup and pot with a toile pattern in another little store.

So needless to say, I am excited about sharing that tradition with my kids as they grow up. I would like it to be a time when we can practice our manners, create special memories, and of course - talk!

Yesterday, Javi fell out of bed (he's up on a regular bed frame now) about 45 minutes into his nap. I went upstairs to check on him, and while he was unharmed, the nap was history. So I brought him downstairs with me and got us settled on the couch. After a few minutes I decided to make a cup of tea, and my little shadow followed right behind me. I looked down into those blue eyes and thought, today is the perfect day for some tea for both of us!


So we sat on the couch and drank our tea (he didn't spill a drop) and we had a great time. Javi was so excited to be drinking tea with me. He pointed to my cup ( Mommy tea!) and then his (Javi tea!) over and over with a huge smile. It made my afternoon.

Day 23: On Being Suzy Homemaker

I find great peace and contentedness in staying home, cooking, cleaning and creating things for our home.

I know that sounds awfully 1950's of me. I don't feel completely comfortable talking about this topic, probably because my generation was raised with the idea that, as women, we needed to "make something of ourselves." I had big plans to go to college (I did) and become a working woman. (I did) I have trouble articulating exactly why my change of heart came about.

There are some things that just elude me. The ability to capture with my camera the beauty of sunshine glowing through fall leaves. How it is possible to create another little life inside my own body. Finding the words to express how keeping my home and caring for my family fulfills me in a way that I didn't know was possible.



Over the last two weeks, I've been slowly easing back into cooking, crafting and keeping up the house. I made my Grandma's lasagna. I used up our leftovers by making a quiche, and it was awesome.



Last Wednesday I canned for the first time. I canned apple butter and pear butter for Christmas gifts. Yum. It was surprisingly easy, and quite fun too.

I'm so glad that I'm able to stay home fulltime with my kiddos. I'm glad Lover works hard and provides abundantly for us so that I can stay home. And I am glad that God changed my heart and made this exactly where I want to be.



 

Day 22: 0n Being Practical

Horror of horrors, I'm becoming a practical person. Darn it all! My angst ridden, Anne of Green Gables loving, teenage self would disown me. But it's true. Here's the latest proof. About two weeks ago, our dryer went kaput. When you put wet towels inside and turned it on, it made a very sick sound and stunk up the towels without drying them. Curses. Time to start dryer shopping!

I had literally talked to Luke the night before about saving up for a new dryer. Our old one drove me batty because you could only dry for 30 minutes at a time on the low heat setting, and so I would have to take multiple trips down to the basement just to get a stinking load of laundry dried. It was super annoying. The dryer was getting old anyways, so Lover and I discussed saving up for the next few months and purchasing a new one when there was a good sale early next year.

Unfortunately, the dryer had other plans. And while I like to think of myself as resourceful and hardworking, going without a dryer for the next several months was just too much to ask. I've got 2 kids under 2, remember? That creates a lot of laundry. I have to change Javi's sheets just about every day, and then there are the myriad of towels, blankets and other fabric items that need to be washed on a daily basis due to the presence of a certain newborn in the house.

If money was no option, and I wasn't being practical, these are the kind of machines I would like.



Actually, I don't want a front loading washer. I've read lots of reviews about how they get moldy, something we struggle with anyways in our damp climate. Also, I'm the kind of person who starts a load and then remembers that extra towel lying on the bathroom floor. So I need to be able to throw things in after the fact. But the dryer sure is pretty. But...

I'm turning into a practical person, remember? So Lover and I decided on a budget for a "new" dryer. And I started browsing Craigslist for an electric dryer, in our price range, with delivery. It took about a week, but we found a guy who fixes up old dryers with a General Electric dryer for sale for $70. He was willing to deliver the dryer to our house if we gave him our busted one. We settled on $65 and happily kissed our busted dryer goodbye.



I wanted an all white dryer with pretty controls. Or that turquoise front loader. But at the end of the day, what I really wanted was to be able to dry our clothes, towels and sheets in a timely manner without having to turn our basement into an enormous hanging rack. So the old GE dryer won out. And you know what? It works perfectly. And it's so quiet you can barely tell it's running. And my clothes are all dry. :) Here's to practicality!



 

Day 21: 0n Fingerpainting

Last week we tried out fingerpainting. It was a big hit! I was a little (ok, a lot) afraid of the mess, but it wasn't too bad, and it cleaned up really well once we were done. I love watching Javi try out new things, and this was no exception. :) He was a little hesitant at first, but with a little encouragement he dove right in.



I figured finger painting would be a good activity to start out with (as opposed to say, watercolors or stamping) precisely because it's messy. Javi doesn't like to have stuff on his hands, so I thought an activity where you're supposed to get messy would be good for him. He did really well.



This past February I took Ashley Ann's SnapShop course and I highly, highly recommend it. It was the perfect pace for me, and I learned tons. While I knew most of the technical stuff, it was great to practice and get feedback on all my pictures, and I specifically learned a lot about capturing every day moments like this in an artistic way. I loved it. If you have the opportunity, definitely check it out!

Day 19: 0n Feeling Tired

I constantly forget that is not just about how many hours of sleep I get at night, or whether or not I had a chance for a nap. There's the whole nursing thing, and the energy it takes to sustain another life (even a tiny one!) from my body. There's the whole toddler thing too, with his boundless energy. Then there's the whole adjusting to a new normal thing that is both physically and mentally challenging, all of which is tiring!

And then the million and one other things that a girl needs to get done. Personal hygiene! Dinner for the family! Clean clothes! Etc!

It got better after three or four months with Javi. I think overall I am handling the lack of sleep better than I did the first time. Less crying, more cat naps. I'm reminding myself that this too shall pass, and someday I'll sleep thru the night again :-)  For as many hours as I want. Without interruption. :-). And it will be awesome.

Day 18: 0n Fall In NY

My awesome sisters in law showed up last Thursday, shooed me out the house and told me to get lost for a couple of hours. I hemmed and hawed about what to do, (does anyone else think of a million things they need to do sans kids but then when the opportunity arises, draws a complete blank? Anyways, I digress.) But ultimately decided to grab my camera and go for a walk along the river.

Fall is really coming into its own here in New York, and I relished the opportunity to capture some of the beauty that surrounds me. I learned with Javi that what recharges me most when I have time to myself is a simple combination of: being alone, being outside, preferably, and doing something creative. So off to the river walk I went.

Here's where you might expect me to say something profound about what God taught me during my time communing with nature, but I don't have anything like that for you today. I simply drank in the sunshine, find solace in the silence, and attempted to capture the beauty around me through my lens.

I will say though, every time autumn rolls around, and I watch the trees become living art before they drop their dead leaves, I am awestruck by the creativity of God. Who else would think to create such amazing beauty in death? God is awesome.

Day 17: 0n My Lover

God sure knew what he was doing when he brought two families together twenty five years ago. As our parents became fast friends, Lover and I became close friends as well. Our story from that point is long, (and awesome!) but let me sum it up quickly for you: Lover's family moved to Spain to be missionaries, and then 6 years later so did my family. We overlapped for a year, and then Lover's family returned to America. Five years later I moved back to NY to go to college, and Lover was there at every turn for me. It didn't take long for me to fall head over heels for him, and I've never recovered. :) We dated for two and a half years, and got married in a light filled little church in a wedding ceremony that was wholly and purely "us".


Lover asked me "out" on May 17th. On the 17th 17 since we started dating, he asked me to marry him and we've had the tradition ever since of celebrating on the 17th. So today for date night we are dropping the kids off at my aunt and uncle's, and heading out for a special night together. I can't wait!


When we got married, we determined to be newlyweds for the rest of our lives. That's a little harder to do with munchkins under foot, but we're figuring it out. Some days, like today, we get hours to ourselves to reconnect. Other days we share tired smiles as he walks out the door for work, Javi chirping "bye daddy!", me standing behind him bleary eyed holding Kay Kay.


Lover is constantly spoiling me. He won my heart, bought me a castle, and now we have two beautiful babies together. It's a fairytale I tell ya, the very best kind where we get to live out the "happily ever after" instead of ending with a kiss in the sunset when the love story has barely begun.


Lover is a wonderful father. He delights in teaching Javi all about the world around him. He snuggles KayKay close and is sad when he has to give her over to me to nurse. I love watching them interact - it melts my heart to see them all together.


In a couple of decades we''ll find ourselves alone again in this big castle. And while I know that we'll miss our kiddos, I can't wait to enjoy that time with my best friend!

Day 15: On a New Addition to the Family

I wrote this back in January, right after we found out we were expecting number 2. I thought it would be fun to share! 

Yesterday we found out that we are expecting our second little munchkin. I’d had my suspicions for a while, but wanted to wait to take a pregnancy test until we were pretty sure so as to avoid disappointment. Sure enough, those two pink lines appeared right away! Yay!

We want our kids to be close together age wise (and relationship wise, obviously!) so we were hoping to get pregnant as soon as possible. But as the months dragged on with no beebee in my tummy, I really struggled. Seemed like everyone  else was getting pregnant, again! for the first time! even if they hadn’t planned to! and boy did I want to be a part of the “trend!”

Javi made us a family in my mind. We were deliriously happy as a couple, and so excited when we were pregnant. But it wasn’t until he was born, and as each month passed, that we began to realize how much he added to our duo. I can't picture life without him now. And the more we loved Javi, the more we wanted to add more little munchkins to the mix!

To be honest, I’ve got some fears. I’m afraid of the adjustment from a mom of one to a mom of two. I’m afraid this little baby won’t feel as loved or special. I’m afraid of how Javi will react.  I'm afraid that this baby and pregnancy won’t be healthy.

But I have learned so much in the last year about fear. And I refuse to let it rule my life! I don’t have the time or the energy to waste on being afraid anymore. So I’m referring back to the verses I’ve taken to heart over the last year, and reminding myself to place my trust in the Almighty. To hide under the shadow of his wings.

Day 12: The Week in Review

Favorite Moment of the Week: Our first really, truly date night without either kiddo. We enjoyed some sub par food and excellent conversation and had a great time reconnecting with each other!



What Javi is Doing:  Adding even more words like sticker! my chair! medicine! Being a wonderful big brother by holding Kaykay's hand, giving her kisses, and bringing her a tissue when she sneezes.



What Keilana is doing: Holding her head up like a champ, avoiding tummy time by rolling over, giving big smiles and having little conversations with us.

What I'm doing: Working to have the right perspective on getting things done throughout our days. The newborn phase is difficult for me, and the lack of sleep got to me this week. Next week I'll be doing my best to remember that I need to take it one day at a time!