I've never been a huge fan of Mother's Day (as evidenced by this post of yore) but this past Sunday I took some time to think about what being a mom has been like for the last five months.
In a word - awesome. In 34 words - the hardest freaking thing I've ever done that is making me a better person, drawing me closer to God and my husband, and making me grateful for my sweet boy, in all my life.
Often throughout my pregnancy, I would think "I'm ready to be a mom. This is why we waited five years to have kids, because I wanted to wait until I was ready to be a mom. I'm ready now." I was tired of the quiet house that I worked in every day, I was ready for some chaos. I was bored with my day to day routine, I was ready for some change. Lover and I had enjoyed five happily married years , and now I was ready to add to our happy two-some.
I was really sick throughout my pregnancy but God and Lover helped me through it. Labor and delivery went fairly well, with the exception of a tense final hour and a half where little man's heart rate was climbing and being born not breathing. and before I knew it I was holding a tiny bundle in my arms, meeting my son for the first time.
Just a couple of days later the hospital sent us home, and that first night at home was terrifying. I was completely overwhelmed with the responsibility (and the hormones!) and could not believe that trained medical staff just allows you to take home a helpless infant without some sort of parental aptitude test.
But we survived that night, and the first few sleepless weeks after that. And in those first few weeks I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be Javi's mom for the rest of my life. In a word - amazing. In 18 words, an amazingly challenging experience that would continue God's refining work in me for the rest of my life.
I'm not as sleep deprived anymore (although I have some great stories from those blurry weeks!) and boy am I thankful for more sleep. But those really hard months are teaching me that God multiplies our love, patience, endurance, grace and even our sleep when we ask him to. There are so many days when I think "I cannot make it through this day without losing it" and when I remember to turn to God and beg for his help, he graciously grants it.
I've never before experienced the power of God in me on such a daily basis. When I am resting in him and letting him carry my burdens, my heart soars. I'm amazed that he entrusted me with such a wonderful little guy.
I'm so thankful that God blessed us with such a happy healthy boy. He's perfectly healthy - perfect and thriving as his doctor says. He discovers something new every day and his tenacity to grow and develop new skills amazes me every day. At five months old he is teaching me about pursuing your desires wholeheartedly without fear. I'm so thankful to be Xavier's mom. I'm thankful for the joy he brings to my life, for the fun he adds to our family, and for the lessons that I will be learning as his mom for the rest of my life.
