A Thousand Sleepless Nights

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? 

It's been a long time since I have consistently slept through the night. I'm nearing a thousand nights, literally. Javi  is two and half, and there was a brief period of about six months between when he started sleeping through the night, and I got pregnant again, where I was actually getting a full, comfortable night's sleep. Keilana teased a bit with a few full night's sleep about a week ago, but has since had some really rough nights where she is up over and over and over. The kind of nights where she just wants her mama.

And it's hard. I love sleep. I've always hated being woken up in the mornings, by anyone. When I was a teenager I bought myself an alarm clock because I would be furious with my dad every morning when he came in my room to wake me up. I absolutely adore that feeling of waking up slowly, to the morning light, in the quiet and stillness of the early hours.

But that's pretty near impossible with two little ones. Most nights are a combination of intense work to get them to sleep, then several wake up calls from little Keilana, usually a bout of early morning insomnia (I'm so tired! Why aren't I sleeping? The kids are sleeping!) and then desperate morning sleep up until I hear the banging or crying begin again.

 

I said all that to get to my point. When I get enough sleep, I find it easy to be a mama. I'm patient with my kids, consistent with discipline, willing to put the necessary work into the day. I have the mental space and the energy to listen to Lover's work stories, and even to invest in my friends. I pretty much rock. Easy peasy. But if there's one thing that I've learned over the last three years, it's that parenting is not supposed to be easy. Two years ago, almost to the day, I read this and posted it on Facebook:

Parenting is so difficult because God is making it purposefully impossible. Why??? So that it is always SLANTED TOWARD JESUS. Keeping us near Him. Keeping us in prayer and constantly crying out to Him. -Rare and Beautiful Treasures

This morning, driving home from Wegmans with the kiddos in the back, Laura Story's Blessings came on the radio. (Which is not surprising, because it was K-Love. Sorry, inside joke) Every time I hear this song, it takes me to task. The idea that God allows trials, hard times, difficulties in our lives, because he wants to bless us.

Apparently, it takes at least a thousand sleepless nights for me to know that God is near. Parenting is so hard for me. I've never been a "kid person" I wasn't the girl cuddling the babies, jumping at the chance to babysit for friends. I never had that "ache" to have kids. I love deep, meaningful talks with adults, a clean house and independence. Oh, and sleeping.

But as it turns out, God is a "kid person." Jesus was always looking for the children, welcoming them to him, using them as illustrations. He talks about how they will inherit the kingdom of God. The Psalmist says that children are a heritage from the Lord. He says the parent who has many is...happy.

God forgive my prideful and arrogant ways, thinking that I wasn't a "kid person". Because if I truly want to be like you, and I do, then I need to love children the way you do. And if it takes a thousand more sleepless nights, then that's what  I need.  Show me how to love them like you do, help me to see what you see.

Soften my hard and angry heart, resentful of yet another interruption, another night with little sleep. Show me how to be the mother you want me to be, regardless of the rest I've gotten. Open my eyes to the treasures that my children are, and how you have blessed me. Give me the patience and the strength for today and especially for tonight.